Tuesday, March 31, 2009

I'm Ba-ack!


Well it has been awhile, more than a year. But I am pulling a Britney Spears and making a "come back". Not the one where she acted the fool at the MTV Video Awards, but the second one where her pappy laid down the law.

So come back often. We will be getting a face lift and our new motto is "Nothing but Fluff". No more serious political BS...just pure candy for all the kiddies.

Look forward to all the loving and also harsh comments!

Friday, September 12, 2008

America's Prettiest People

It is no surprise that in our shallow culture today we would actually take a survey of America's Prettiest People. But since we did and because we are shallow, I am proud to announce that 3 cities in California have made the top 10 list in Travel & Leisure magazine.


1. Miami

2. San Diego















3. Austin

4. Charlseton

5. Honolulu

6. Los Angeles





















7. San Franciso

















8. Minneapolis/St. Paul

9. New York

10. Denver


And bringing up the rear which only means one thing, the ugliest people in America is Philadelphia.


Hey, I didn't do the survey.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

How to Poop at Work


We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the Survival Guide for taking a dump at work

*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants

*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom

*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are a man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy

*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred

*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME

*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH

*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at work and is Doggone proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom

*THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you a re in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact

*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE

*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH

*HAVANA-OMELET* A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a CAMO-COUGH with a SHIRLEY TEMPLE

*AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever...Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An AUNT BETTY makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees

SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF

The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs

Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you poop.

Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This poop usually happens at someone else's house.

The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your rear before it falls into the water

The Crippler = The kind of poop where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down

The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam

The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Poll Results Are In

Which celebrity couple would you prefer a three-some with?

21% - Brad and Angelina
42% - David and Victoria Beckham
10% - Jay Z and Beyonce
15% - Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson
10% - Other

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Bitches of Hell's Kitchen


Well my girl Jen was kicked off last night and I'm pissed. The three chefs left are Petrozza, Corey, and Christina.


Petrozza's out next week, so I won't even waste my time on him. BUT that bitch Corey is running the show and will eventually win. Christina obviously has the ugly girl syndrome. She is doing whatever she can to cling on to the popular pretty girls in school. She's so annoying.

Well I guess I can now delete Hell's Kitchen from my Tivo and save space for reruns of Jon & Kate Plus 8. Damn, I love that show. Addicted I tell you...

You are not FREAKIN Tiger Woods!


I'm not one to be bothered by the little annoying things in life. But there are a few things that would drive me just short of 30 years to life. Namely, the "air golf swing".

So I have this guy at work, he's one of those sleazy car salesman types. Every time he comes into my office to discuss work, and I swear he acts as if he is trying to negotiate peace talks in the middle east, he does that annoying "air golf swing". You know what I'm talking about. The one where they stand there swinging away at an imaginary golf ball, practicing as if he is joinging the next PGA tournament.

How can I get him to stop!?

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

He may be the first black President, but what do we think about Mrs. O?


Jen is still in!


I don't know why I love Jen so much on Hell's Kitchen. I think because in some ways I too can be a strong black woman. Whatever the case may be.....LOUROSS IS GONE!


Favorite Quote from Jen:


"It's like a heartattack dipped in a stroke with a side of cardiac arrest!"

Friday, May 30, 2008

Priceless


Private Jet: $12 mil

Bottle of good Whisky: $25.00

Seeing HRC zonkered: Priceless!

Friday, May 23, 2008

Movie Friday


Thursday, May 22, 2008

In your face David Archuleta!

Congratulations!

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Poll Results (No Recounts Here)


Which would you rather have?

12% Your dream car

58% Your dream man/woman/tranny

22% Your dream job

6% Other

Nice to see there are still some romantics out there in this harsh world!

David Vs. David - Tonight at 8 on FOX


Friday, May 16, 2008

Movie Friday


Monday, May 5, 2008

Drunken Hot Mess!

At least they just cleaned the toilet.




Been there. Done that!

At least he's in good lighting.


It's always the Naughty Nun at Halloween.

Britney Spears?


No Donnie, he's drunk. Wouldn't be right.

Man's Best Friend. Drunk or Not.


Seems cozy.

Thursday, April 10, 2008

NEW Feature: California Livin'



Splendid Manor Estate

Cha-Ching: $45,000,000

Hood: Los Altos Hills, CA

Tags: MLS ID#20809250

Bling: 7 Bedrooms, 7 Bathrooms, 30000 sq ft, 3 Fireplaces

Stonebrook Court is an architectural masterpiece that is said to have played host to presidents and kings, movie stars and celebrities. Originally built in 1914 and completely restored by its current owner in the last 7 years, this magnificent home is one of the greatest estates in California. Only 21 miles south of San Francisco, in the prestigious Los Altos Hills & center of the Silicon Valley, this approximately 30,000 sq. ft. mansion is situated on 7.5 manicured acres. A majestic wrought iron gate opens to a long private driveway which meanders through the trees and leads one to this impeccably restored manor. The splendid English Tudor and Jacobean revival style exterior is bisected by a porte cochere separating the living quarters and a grand ballroom. The opulent interior includes formal living room with Italian style 12 foot wood ceilings, an antique carved marble fireplace, a ballroom with 16th Century gilded Venetian ceiling paintings said to be from the Palazzo Grimani.

Music in the Morning - Breath Me by Sia



Heard this song on Idol Gives Back last night and totally reminded me of the Six Feet Under series finale. Loved that show and this song!

NEW Feature: Happy Hour - Absolut Blue Pearl


2 parts Absolut Kurant
1 part Blue Curacao
1 dash Lemon Juice
Lemon-lime Soda
Lemon

Fill a highball glass to the rim with ice cubes. Pour absolut kurant and blue curacao over the ice. Top up with lemon-lime soda. Garnish with a lemon (peel).

Brought to you by Absolut.